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Dinobot vs. Worf

"Captain," reported Data, "We appear to have passed through yet another temporal anomaly."

Jean-Luc Picard stood from his comfy chair. Everyone on the bridge stared at him. Then he tugged at the bottom of his shirt. People stopped staring.

"Another one, Mister Data?" said the Captain, wearily. "Those do seem to pop up quite a little bit. What was it Shakespeare said about temporal anomalies..."

"Captain," said Data after a .0098 second delay, "Shakespeare never wrote about temporal anomalies."

"Shut up, Data," said Picard. "Who said anything about his writings? I'm talking about when I met dear old Bill Shakespeare during one of our time travel adventures. He was a genius, old Bill was..."

Counselor Troi crossed her legs, unfolded them, then crossed them again.

"Captain," urged Worf, "Perhaps your epic tale should wait until we deal with the time warp that's just off our port bow."

"RED ALERT!" shrieked Commander Will Riker.

"Number One," said Picard quietly, "Let's not be hostile. After all, it could be a benign alien sent to greet us by its race..."

"A sentient time warp?" Riker said.

Picard began pacing the bridge of the Enterprise. "Why, yes. Very similar, in fact, to the 1 1/2 dimensional, omniscient interstellar dust bunnies I encountered, made first contact with, and named during my command of the Stargazer..."

Counselor Troi rolled her eyes.

"I saw that, Deanna. Mister Worf, open hailing frequencies."

Worf grunted and obeyed.

Just then, the Enterprise entered the temporal anomaly. The ship rattled around as it passed through the warp.

"RED ALERT!" screamed Riker, clutching his chair so tightly his knuckles were white.

"No, Number One," said Picard, cocking his head as though he had heard a dog whistle. "It may be trying to communicate with us."

"Sir," said Data after whirling around in his chair, "There has never been anything even remotely close to a sentient temporal anomaly on record."

"Then we've discovered an entirely new form of life!" marveled Picard.

"I do believe you're losing your marbles," said Data.

"Shut up, Data," ordered the Captain. Data whirled back around and sulked.

The Enterprise emerged from the warp close to a small blue-green planet.

"Sensor readings coming in," said Worf.

"RED ALERT!" bellowed Riker.

"Number One, I think your needle's stuck."

Data spun around again. "Sir, I find it highly unlikely that a twenty-fourth century Starfleet Captain would be using a colloquialism that refers to phonographic equipment long outdated even by the twenty-first century."

"Bite me, Data. Continue, Mr. Worf."

"Sensors indicate that we have traveled approximately four million years back in time to prehistoric Earth. I suggest that you send an away team down to the surface to mess with history a little."

"Agreed. Mister Worf, take three security offers with you whom we've never seen before, and will probably die as soon as you beam down to the planet." Picard thought for a moment, then added, "And take Mister Crusher with you."

"Wesley isn't on the ship this season," said Troi.

Picard muttered a curse under his breath.

***

The air was ripe with the scent of war. Dinobot prowled the terrain, sniffing the wind currents for any sign of Predacon invaders. His tail darted back and forth like one of those toy snakes that wiggles back and forth.

Just then, four energy signatures registered on his internal scanners. He scrambled behind a large, conveniently-placed rock just in time to see four humanoid figures materialize.

Dinobot ran towards them and promptly bit off three of their heads. He let out a quiet burp.

Worf thought about commenting on this, but he kept quiet. Dinobot walked off, picking a pip out of his teeth.

"Stop!" shouted Worf, drawing his phaser. Worf wasn't a great artist, so he finally gave up on that and took the phaser out of his holster and aimed it at the dinosaur.

Dinobot spun around, got dizzy, and fell down. He picked himself up as though nothing had happened, cast an accusing glance at a nonexistent twig, and said, "You speak?"

Worf said, "Well, duh."

Dinobot approached Worf, sniffing his combadge. "I assumed you were a proto-human," he said. "The other guys looked like they were going to mess up history, but I figured you were safe."

"With a forehead like this?" Worf said.

"That's true," said Dinobot. "Thank goodness no Transformer has a forehead like that. It would be so hideous as to defy description."

"My knowledge of Earth history is a bit fuzzy," Worf admitted, "but I don't recall there being any record of talking velociraptors at this point in history."

Dinobot chuckled to himself for half an hour. "I am more... much more than the dinosaur you see before you. Don't you cry, I've got a secret."

"You're also a client?" Worf wondered.

"Dinobot--MAXIMIZE!" Dinobot shapeshifted into his robot mode, which for the purposes of this fanfic is only around six feet tall. He grinned at Worf with his gleaming, tooth-sharp teeth.

"Zounds!" exclaimed Worf, but not quite knowing why. "You're a sentient machine! You must come from a race millions of years more advanced than my own! Why, the technological advancements you have made must be extraordinary!"

"We invented a transporter during the first season," Dinobot boasted.

"Kids' stuff," said Worf. "I think I'll kill you now."

Dinobot took a step back and growled. "I will not fight you. There is no honor in killing a lone humanoid."

Worf gasped. "You dare use the 'H' word to me? I've got more honor in my left nostril than you've got in your entire body!"

Dinobot sneezed. "There is no honor in accusing me of having no honor!"

Worf hiccuped. "It is dishonorable to point out that there is no honor in accusing you of having no honor!"

Dinobot flatulated. "Rock, paper, scissors. One, two, three, go!" Dinobot made a fist. Worf made a fist.

"Rematch. One, two, three, go!" Dinobot made a "V" symbol. Worf made a fist again.

"You are beaten," said Worf.

"Slag," said Dinobot. "I am dishonored."

"Then... you... shall... die," promised Worf, doing his best Black Knight impression. He lunged at Dinobot with his three-pronged Klingon knife thingy, and stabbed Dinobot in the foot. The Maximal howled in pain and kicked Worf in the teeth.

"You presumptuous little flarg!" screamed Dinobot, reaching behind his back and pulling his sword out of an unspecified location that we won't go into in detail. "I'll feed you your own intestine!"

Worf spit out a tooth and snarled. "Promises, promises," he said. "You fight like a Ferengi."

Dinobot swiped at Worf with his sword, but the Klingon dodged easily. "G'hooK mt'Kk Kha'aH t'PlooiD kA rrrrrrrRRoopP!" he said.

"What the slag does that mean?" demanded Dinobot.

This gave Worf pause. He whipped out his copy of the Klingon-to-Maximal Translator, by Michael Okuda (©2000 Pocket Books), and proclaimed slowly, "This toilet seat is uncomfortable."

Dinobot lunged at Worf again, knocking the Klingon into another strategically-placed boulder. Dinobot reached high with his sword, preparing to thrust it into Worf's chest. Worf did the only logical thing he could, and spat in Dinobot's eyes.

Dinobot dropped his sword and teetered back, howling like a loon. Worf reached behind the boulder and produced his bat'telh. He made up several intimidating moves before advancing on Dinobot.

Dinobot stumbled to his feet and charged his optic blasters. "This ends NOW!" he shouted, and fired at Worf. The blast broke Worf's bat'telh in two, bounced off his decorative sash, and destroyed a butterfly, thus changing the course of history as we know it today.

Worf whimpered. "I paid $120.00 for that at a Star Trek convention."

Dinobot wiped away a make-believe tear from the corner of his eye. "You got suckered. Vive la scalpers!"

Enraged, Worf remembered that he was still holding his phaser from, like, 26 paragraphs ago, and fired at Dinobot. Simultaneously, Dinobot let loose another burst with his eye lasers, which met the phaser blast as the two energy beams impossibly pushed against one another.

Worf fiddled with his phaser buttons.

Dinobot allocated more energy to his weapons systems.

Worf fiddled with the buttons a little more.

Dinobot allocated his remaining reserves to his lasers.

"Warning," announced his internal computer. "Field dampers losing power. Suggest transformation back to beast mode."

"Warning," announced the Enterprise computer over Worf's combadge. "Phaser power at 10% capacity."

"Heh," Dinobot snickered. "Your computer has a girly voice."

As a plot convenience because the writer couldn't figure out how to get the characters to stop shooting at each other, both of their weapons systems shut down simultaneously.

Just then, Optimus Primal swooped in on his monkey surfboard. "Dinobot, stand down."

Optimus landed and transformed to robot mode. Dinobot shot a look at Optimus that could kill a cockroach.

Captain Picard suddenly transported to the planet's surface, which is hard to do considering it takes about ten seconds for a transporter cycle to finish. He carried a glass jar in his hands.

"Captain!" exclaimed Worf. "I was just about to slay this rogue warrior for the glory of the Enterprise."

"Ahem, quite," said Picard, tugging on his shirt for no particular reason. "Worf, these robots belong here. I've been doing some reading up on ancient Earth history. Seems these... Maxipads..."

"Maximals," corrected Optimus Primal.

"That's what I said, Maximals. Seems these Maximals are part of history. They're here to protect the future of the Earth."

"He killed a butterfly," said Worf, pointing at Dinobot.

Picard opened the jar and released a butterfly into the sky, thus restoring history more or less as we know it.

"I think its wings were a different color," said Worf.

"Whatever. Mister Optimus Primal," said Picard, "we extend our friendship to you. We owe you thanks for protecting this world. Why, I met a race of robots very much like yourself back when I was just a cadet..."

"Erm, I think I hear Megatron attacking our base or something," said Optimus.

"Let the battle be joined," agreed Dinobot.

Picard tapped his combadge. "Two to beam up," he said.

"RED ALERT!" came the response over the communicator.

Dinobot looked back and stuck his tongue out at Worf.

"P'tecH ek'hT fg'hTeeP," said Worf.

"What?" said Dinobot.

"This grapefruit is overripe," said Worf.

"You're making that up as you go along," said Dinobot.

"At least I don't replace my profanity with stupid euphemisms," said Worf.

"EAT SLAG--I mean... fuck off," said Dinobot.

th'hE en'dD

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